Saturday, July 10, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
THE HEARBEATS
She is God's gift to us, how can He take her away; when she is become the most important part of everybody's lives ...can he really do it???
One week and Netra will turn five. My God! Years fly like butterfly. My little princess is smiling in her dreams. But Amish, the brat can't stop being curious on why is Netra being over-pampered by all. The 11-year old mind puked his list of queries before Mom, as the three of us were lying on the bed.
Well, Netra or Nettu (as we like to address her) is youngest child, perhaps that's the reason, what I had presumed, but destiny had another cheerless story hidden in its arms, which unfolded that dark night.
"Your younger sister was born with a hole in her heart," disclosed mom to me and Amish... for the first time in five years since she was born.
…Hole in the heart the abrupt words and unexpected reply struck me as if a big black stone thrown in the still water. "Don't worry dear, doctor aunty had said it will be fine after she completes her five years of age and tomorrow we are going for her check-up. Things will be fine." Mom's hand consoling Amish's forehead.
My God! Something never thought, only heard of. Something so dreadful to be witnessed so...so close and real to me.
Sleep, no longer willing to meet my eyes now. Silent tears soaked themselves in the pillow.
Still, so clearly I can see the first time I held her tender body in my scared hands. It was my first opportunity, as far as I can recollect, when I was allowed to touch a new born little cherub-like figure. It was my first chance to admire so closely a round face, soft cheeks, red little nose, tiny lips and teeny ears. The innocent eyes opened and closed again and she yawned. The minute movements from her lips, couldn't have gone unnoticed by me, which communicated with me, yes they said actually asked me, 'here I am in this new world with you won't you take care of me?'
Her growing up days witnessed plethora of excitement. The stout & healthy girl has now started singing her nursery rhymes. She was emerging as an all-rounder, exceptionally excellent in everything. Her learning and grasping skills has no doubt amazed one and all, but also her ever-friendly and helping nature has immensely impressed all. Her enthusiasm to participate in each and every thing she comes across was simply unbelievable for us.
A cheerful child, always happy; happy with my old & broken toys, also. Demanding... not at all and not even priggish. She is not the kind of child who throws tantrums for all. She always keeps herself occupied with her dolls, some of my old plastic ornaments and a stuffed doggy, under a big table which she calls as her home. When she accidentally broke my only Barbie doll, which I had admired and loved the most until this moment, I couldn't yell at her, assuming I have a real beautiful doll now.
Yes, the long-haired doll was truly a God's gift. So wise and unbiased her decisions, thoughts and words were! It was her innocent and unprejudiced deeds that made us familiar with Dad's smile and that he also has a softer side. Well, where will you find a tot who knows how to handle things no matter however difficult they seem to be. Whenever she found any of the family members in a blue mood, she would unexpectedly come and naively ask, "What happen did Papa/anybody shout at you?", as if she had the solutions for all our problems. Actually she did, with her soothing curve, which always compelled people to smile. Smile that appeared from her clear and truthful heart.
Her heart... why why why... only my little angel why? He can't be so cruel to me.
I closed my eyes and for the first time in my 13 years and said some prayers persistently.
I said my prayers and opened my eyes and found my young athlete amidst the big ground, all set for her inter-school finals. Sun rays brilliantly defining her well shaped body. Her perky pony-tail frisking left-right. The new pair of sports shoes smartly fits on her feet. Her strong thighs and muscled legs, the asset of every sportsperson, symbolises all the strength she has stored within. Her mature body language often disguises my colleagues as that of a college student, which indeed gives me a hard time convincing them that she has just entered her teens now.
There, she waves hand in response to her schoolmates or should I say, 'fans', who are cheering for their school's SPORTS PREFECT (CAPTAIN). They are as sure as I am that she'll make it again this time. Next year, she'll be considered for District Level. Well, even if she doesn't, she has added several feathers in her cap, by also winning medals in shot-put, tennis and not to forget dance too, that too at the age of thirteen years, now. Quite enough to make us all proud!
Alright …there she's posing for her final race... eh ok... take a deep breathe, dear. I can see the winning smile on your tanned face. I can smell your confidence. I can hear listen your Heartbeats...
One week and Netra will turn five. My God! Years fly like butterfly. My little princess is smiling in her dreams. But Amish, the brat can't stop being curious on why is Netra being over-pampered by all. The 11-year old mind puked his list of queries before Mom, as the three of us were lying on the bed.
Well, Netra or Nettu (as we like to address her) is youngest child, perhaps that's the reason, what I had presumed, but destiny had another cheerless story hidden in its arms, which unfolded that dark night.
"Your younger sister was born with a hole in her heart," disclosed mom to me and Amish... for the first time in five years since she was born.
…Hole in the heart the abrupt words and unexpected reply struck me as if a big black stone thrown in the still water. "Don't worry dear, doctor aunty had said it will be fine after she completes her five years of age and tomorrow we are going for her check-up. Things will be fine." Mom's hand consoling Amish's forehead.
My God! Something never thought, only heard of. Something so dreadful to be witnessed so...so close and real to me.
Sleep, no longer willing to meet my eyes now. Silent tears soaked themselves in the pillow.
Still, so clearly I can see the first time I held her tender body in my scared hands. It was my first opportunity, as far as I can recollect, when I was allowed to touch a new born little cherub-like figure. It was my first chance to admire so closely a round face, soft cheeks, red little nose, tiny lips and teeny ears. The innocent eyes opened and closed again and she yawned. The minute movements from her lips, couldn't have gone unnoticed by me, which communicated with me, yes they said actually asked me, 'here I am in this new world with you won't you take care of me?'
Her growing up days witnessed plethora of excitement. The stout & healthy girl has now started singing her nursery rhymes. She was emerging as an all-rounder, exceptionally excellent in everything. Her learning and grasping skills has no doubt amazed one and all, but also her ever-friendly and helping nature has immensely impressed all. Her enthusiasm to participate in each and every thing she comes across was simply unbelievable for us.
A cheerful child, always happy; happy with my old & broken toys, also. Demanding... not at all and not even priggish. She is not the kind of child who throws tantrums for all. She always keeps herself occupied with her dolls, some of my old plastic ornaments and a stuffed doggy, under a big table which she calls as her home. When she accidentally broke my only Barbie doll, which I had admired and loved the most until this moment, I couldn't yell at her, assuming I have a real beautiful doll now.
Yes, the long-haired doll was truly a God's gift. So wise and unbiased her decisions, thoughts and words were! It was her innocent and unprejudiced deeds that made us familiar with Dad's smile and that he also has a softer side. Well, where will you find a tot who knows how to handle things no matter however difficult they seem to be. Whenever she found any of the family members in a blue mood, she would unexpectedly come and naively ask, "What happen did Papa/anybody shout at you?", as if she had the solutions for all our problems. Actually she did, with her soothing curve, which always compelled people to smile. Smile that appeared from her clear and truthful heart.
Her heart... why why why... only my little angel why? He can't be so cruel to me.
I closed my eyes and for the first time in my 13 years and said some prayers persistently.
I said my prayers and opened my eyes and found my young athlete amidst the big ground, all set for her inter-school finals. Sun rays brilliantly defining her well shaped body. Her perky pony-tail frisking left-right. The new pair of sports shoes smartly fits on her feet. Her strong thighs and muscled legs, the asset of every sportsperson, symbolises all the strength she has stored within. Her mature body language often disguises my colleagues as that of a college student, which indeed gives me a hard time convincing them that she has just entered her teens now.
There, she waves hand in response to her schoolmates or should I say, 'fans', who are cheering for their school's SPORTS PREFECT (CAPTAIN). They are as sure as I am that she'll make it again this time. Next year, she'll be considered for District Level. Well, even if she doesn't, she has added several feathers in her cap, by also winning medals in shot-put, tennis and not to forget dance too, that too at the age of thirteen years, now. Quite enough to make us all proud!
Alright …there she's posing for her final race... eh ok... take a deep breathe, dear. I can see the winning smile on your tanned face. I can smell your confidence. I can hear listen your Heartbeats...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I'll Miss you all!
An old story lost in between the pages of my diary (Fiction)
The orangish ' red sun rise in the early morning; the music of the tiny little creatures getting ready to fly out to work; the sweet smell of my blossoming pink rose; the dancing green trees; the cool breeze that sings when it feels my window Oh! I am going to miss you all. It's taking me away from you. I do not want to leave you, but it's taking me away. It's AIDS!
Five months back, the first time I got my Blood tested and things turned out as they were never expected to. Since that day, I have received multiples of mixed reactions. The very first reaction was from me. 'Oh shit, I am a still a virgin, right?' the first thing my mind questioned me, when I heard the doctor giving the four-lettered conclusion to my life. Well this is how, we usually think, (let's face it). How glad I felt, after donating Blood for the first time, as anybody else would after acting generously. It was a contented feeling then to have helped someone. But unknowingly the instrument utilized, the syringe, left behind this dreadful virus in me giving me a new name, HIV positive. I had heard about this earlier that some voracious people re-pack and re-sell the thrown away syringes in the market. Could they risk somebody's life just for some money? Yes, they have already endangered my existence, preparing my death bed.
Death , so untimely! I have just completed 21years of my life and there's so much to do. I still have to get married. Experience the bliss of motherhood. My career has just bloomed. Wish I could have seen my career soaring! How can I die so early, when I have so many accomplishments to achieve? Why is my life ceasing so soon when I have just started with it?
Mom always preached me that 'do good to others, God will be good to you'. Also, I have always believed and followed that 'if I am right to others they will not be wrong to me'. Then why .. Me? For me, my glass is neither half-empty nor half-filled. It is always full, if half with water then the remaining with air. Perhaps, HE is short of kind and lovely people like me up there! Ah, I am prepared for anything now truly anything.
Just one disgusting word was enough to change my entire life and others reactions & behavior towards me. Many new instances came across me, for the first time.
Another most awful incident of my life was to break this news to my friends. Obviously, no one in their worst dreams would have ever thought of this. When I told my best friend about it, she instantly pulled her hand back which was holding my arm softly till the four-worded monster scared her. I smiled dryly but my heart ached. She knew I wasn't lying. I could have never done that. We sat looking at each other for quiet some time and she just walked off. Yeah! My best friend, but, don't know why, I wasn't shaken at all. Somewhere, I was expecting it. Later that night she called me up and we talked for more than an hour. And yes for the first time she didn't worry about her prepaid balance. Now that surprised me!
When I broke this terrible news to him, he for the first time slapped me, so hard. But it didn't hurt me at all. The agony within me was much more than that on my face. Both of us broke into tears. He kissed my forehead and hugged me like never before, holding me very tight in his muscular arms, as if never letting me go away from him. I too, for the first time felt so protective and secured. It was then I realized that he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me at any cost. The entire evening neither of us talked, just listened to each others heartbeats.
The D-day was nearing and nothing else but my family's cheerless appearance made me realize that again and again. Now this was something that made me feel uneasy. For at least first two months, every time I looked at mom, her moist eyes made me go dull and dad's drained tone made me feel more exhausted. Perhaps later they become conscious and started behaving normally. My mom who keeps on chanting some prayers every now and then is suffering more than me. My dad who is in anguish every minute has conversed with every doctor possible and 'jyotishi maharajs' also. I know that sounds silly, but he just did not wanted to leave any stone unturned. They both just make me feel so precious.
I always knew it but never realized that everybody loves a lot and I am so important for them. Love exists all around me! Who would ever want to leave all this and go? I do not wish to go away. I am not sure if an equal amount of affection, warmth and care will exist up there. I want to be with them, my mom, my dad, my friends, my love and my people down here. But I know now nothing on the earth can stop me now. I'll have to go, and I know they all will miss me a lot. And I'll miss them too.
It's taking me away. I do not want to, but it's taking me away
The orangish ' red sun rise in the early morning; the music of the tiny little creatures getting ready to fly out to work; the sweet smell of my blossoming pink rose; the dancing green trees; the cool breeze that sings when it feels my window Oh! I am going to miss you all. It's taking me away from you. I do not want to leave you, but it's taking me away. It's AIDS!
Five months back, the first time I got my Blood tested and things turned out as they were never expected to. Since that day, I have received multiples of mixed reactions. The very first reaction was from me. 'Oh shit, I am a still a virgin, right?' the first thing my mind questioned me, when I heard the doctor giving the four-lettered conclusion to my life. Well this is how, we usually think, (let's face it). How glad I felt, after donating Blood for the first time, as anybody else would after acting generously. It was a contented feeling then to have helped someone. But unknowingly the instrument utilized, the syringe, left behind this dreadful virus in me giving me a new name, HIV positive. I had heard about this earlier that some voracious people re-pack and re-sell the thrown away syringes in the market. Could they risk somebody's life just for some money? Yes, they have already endangered my existence, preparing my death bed.
Death , so untimely! I have just completed 21years of my life and there's so much to do. I still have to get married. Experience the bliss of motherhood. My career has just bloomed. Wish I could have seen my career soaring! How can I die so early, when I have so many accomplishments to achieve? Why is my life ceasing so soon when I have just started with it?
Mom always preached me that 'do good to others, God will be good to you'. Also, I have always believed and followed that 'if I am right to others they will not be wrong to me'. Then why .. Me? For me, my glass is neither half-empty nor half-filled. It is always full, if half with water then the remaining with air. Perhaps, HE is short of kind and lovely people like me up there! Ah, I am prepared for anything now truly anything.
Just one disgusting word was enough to change my entire life and others reactions & behavior towards me. Many new instances came across me, for the first time.
Another most awful incident of my life was to break this news to my friends. Obviously, no one in their worst dreams would have ever thought of this. When I told my best friend about it, she instantly pulled her hand back which was holding my arm softly till the four-worded monster scared her. I smiled dryly but my heart ached. She knew I wasn't lying. I could have never done that. We sat looking at each other for quiet some time and she just walked off. Yeah! My best friend, but, don't know why, I wasn't shaken at all. Somewhere, I was expecting it. Later that night she called me up and we talked for more than an hour. And yes for the first time she didn't worry about her prepaid balance. Now that surprised me!
When I broke this terrible news to him, he for the first time slapped me, so hard. But it didn't hurt me at all. The agony within me was much more than that on my face. Both of us broke into tears. He kissed my forehead and hugged me like never before, holding me very tight in his muscular arms, as if never letting me go away from him. I too, for the first time felt so protective and secured. It was then I realized that he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me at any cost. The entire evening neither of us talked, just listened to each others heartbeats.
The D-day was nearing and nothing else but my family's cheerless appearance made me realize that again and again. Now this was something that made me feel uneasy. For at least first two months, every time I looked at mom, her moist eyes made me go dull and dad's drained tone made me feel more exhausted. Perhaps later they become conscious and started behaving normally. My mom who keeps on chanting some prayers every now and then is suffering more than me. My dad who is in anguish every minute has conversed with every doctor possible and 'jyotishi maharajs' also. I know that sounds silly, but he just did not wanted to leave any stone unturned. They both just make me feel so precious.
I always knew it but never realized that everybody loves a lot and I am so important for them. Love exists all around me! Who would ever want to leave all this and go? I do not wish to go away. I am not sure if an equal amount of affection, warmth and care will exist up there. I want to be with them, my mom, my dad, my friends, my love and my people down here. But I know now nothing on the earth can stop me now. I'll have to go, and I know they all will miss me a lot. And I'll miss them too.
It's taking me away. I do not want to, but it's taking me away
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